Marriage

[Lakisha Latham]

It says in the word that HE that finds a wife finds a good thing I also belive that sometimes couples just happen to come together by chance and even though the person was not the one that was mean for them that GOD will work it out. My example is Tammie and Ryan Apostle sated in a earlier service that he didn't see them together but GOD stepped in and now they are both attending church regulary! :) So my question I know that we should seek the advice of the elders concerning marrying someone but what if they tell you NO but you know in your heart that you could see your future with that person?

[Lakisha Latham]

woo touchy subject let's all be nice now :)

[Jonathan Poland]

Hey Lakisha.
It is a touchy subject, and one that everyone seems to be interested in the most somehow. I expect this discussion to be a rather involved one. First of all, when we are considering what the right thing to do in any situation is, before we start speculating we ought to ask what the Bible has to say on the subject. Only after we establish what God teaches us in his word, and obey it, may we then begin to say what, "we think" about the matter. What "God thinks" is most important (1 Cor 2:16). I just thought I would get the conversation going.

[Jonathan Poland]

Of course,
The first thing we need to make clear from the Word is this: that if the person you see a future with is not a Christian, or if you have good reason to suspect that they are not really saved, and don't know the Lord, it is NOT God's will for you to marry that person, and to do so would be a sin. That is clearly taught in 1 Cor 7:39, and even more clearly in 2 Cor 6:14-18. We are also warned about it in 1 Cor 15:33-34. Some people have tried to bring up the believing spouse who is married to the unbeliever in 1 Cor 7, and try to use that as an excuse to marry the unbeliever "as long as the unbeliever desires to stay" in the relationship. What should be obvious to us however is that Paul was referring to a person who was already married before he or she was saved, and then got saved, but the spouse didn't. In THAT situation Paul tells them that they are not to leave the unbelieving spouse, but that is because they were already married! We as believers in Christ are never given permission from God to marry an unbeliever. That does not mean that God will never bless such a marriage, but there is no assurance that he will either, since to marry this way, especially once we know better, is a direct rebellion against the will of God.
Once we have established these things, if the person in question for marriage IS a Christian, and they have made a good profession of faith, and their is proof (fruit) in their lives that they do in fact know the Lord, then we can move on and consider other matters.

[Jonathan Poland]

I have just added a teaching podcast on My Music playlist called "The Sanctity of Marriage," by R.C. Sproul. It has related and profound things to say about marriage, and would be worth checking out, I think, if this topic is of interest to any of you. Feel free to visit my home page and listen to it.

[Urgessa Gemeda]

God's will is simply this. That they are truly believers in Christ and of a proper age. Outside of that is your choice. Nothing more nothing less.

[Brian Lucero]

I agree. That covers pretty much all of what basically needs to be considered for marriage. God has given us a profound range of freedom in choosing our mate. That phrase in itself beckons a volume of debate. Although God has a mate chosen for us, He most often, it seems, doesn't reveal outrightly that exact person. So from our view, God's boundaries in choosing a mate is much more comparable to a CEO (God) mandating that its recruits have backgrounds in engineering (Christians), and the recruiter (us) may choose from anyone it sees fit within that particular pool of candidates. As with many things in life (as a general rule, with exceptions), God doesn't want us wasting time trying to find the exact singular point of his will (though He has one, albeit it is not necessarily revealed), but rather the circular area of His will around which He has laid constructs via principles laid out in the Word. And any particular decision we choose to make within that circle of possibilities will be the correct one.

With choosing a mate, there are a few nuances that should be made clear with respect to deciding if your potential mate is a "true believer" and "of proper age" in the biblical sense. The Bible warns that not everyone who says he's a believer is actually a believer, even if he shows most the signs for an interval of time. As a general rule, it is probably wise not to marry someone who just came into the fold, so as to let his faith show for its own. This is a sort of precaution in helping to determine if the person is actually a "true believer". In terms of judging his "proper age", one might consider several other factors along with physical age, such as wise decision making in relationships (i.e. conflict resolution), or financial choices (NOT that he needs to be rich or even totally financially independent, but that in bringing new souls into the world considers what is commensurate with a health family life).

[Jonathan Poland]

Very well said, Brian. I agree.
One question: your advice on determining the correct age seem, perhaps, to guard against the mistake of choosing a mate who is too young, but do you suppose there is a biblical way to determine whether the potential mate is too old?

[Timberly]

Brian, that's an interesting perspective. It's helped me to put my thoughts into perspective. I've tried asking this very question on several occasions but have never received a "to the point" answer.

I do however, still wonder about your statement, "God has a mate chosen for us..." Will you please elaborate more on this?

[Linda]

Nothing more or less? I don't know. What about God's purpose for your life? For example, what if feel that the Lord is calling you to be a full-time missionary but your future mate feels a calling to start and run and a business? In other words, one is called to ministry and travel and the other is called to stay put and be in business. Furthermore, each believes that they are to do so together.

???

[Jonathan Poland]

Good question, Linda.
I suppose those hypothetical individuals would have to decide how badly they wanted to be married, and whether it would be possible to fulfill both callings if they were together. Depending on the particular convictions of both, it may be possible for the one to have a business in the country where the other is a full-time missionary (for example). On the other hand, it could be that the more they look at the possibilities they will realize that their hopes and callings are incompatible. If that is the case they would have to decide how SURE they both are that those future hopes are from the Lord and not just from their own desires. Also they would have to ask themselves whether it is possible that God will fulfill that calling in a different way than they expect. Whenever two people decide to get married, whoever they are, each will have to be willing to make compromises--even drastic ones.
However, Paul made it very clear for us in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 that some Christians have a calling (similar to a missionary's calling, I suppose) which is not accommodating to marriage, and that, in those cases, singleness is preferable. Considering that, I would say that it is possible that the callings of God in each person's life could be so sure, so clear, and so different, that marriage is impossible, unless one or both of them forsakes the calling to marry anyway (which, in that case, I think, would be a sin). Kathryn Kulman almost did that in her early years of ministry (but her case also involved a man who was already married, so she might not be the best example).
However, I suspect that most of the time the "callings" that we feel upon our lives are also clouded, distorted, and even added to by our own desires and expectations, more so than we realize. For that reason, I think that if the two desire to be together strongly enough, that a compromise would be all that is required. That doesn't mean it would be easy, in fact it would be painful, but they would have to decide if it would be more painful to live apart. They would have to get council, talk it over, and decide which person's calling is more important for the present time, or whether both callings could be compromised. Depending on how this was carried out, I think it would be within God's will.
What do you guys think?

[Linda]

Marriage is one of the most wonderful experiences and is also one of the most difficult. Couple that with trying to fulfill a call of God on your life. Marriage to one person can complement and enhance the call of God on your life whereas marriage to a another person can detract and pull you away from the call of God.

I agree that the call of God can be clouded in one's life, but don't you think that is something that should be settled first before a marriage partner is chosen? To put it another way, have it first settled who you are before you hook up with someone else.

[Jonathan Poland]

Hmmm...
That last question made me pause.
I think the point that Brian was making in his first paragraph was that oftentimes our calling can be clouded, not because we haven't settled it yet, but because God is not going to reveal it to us. He tells us what to do in his Word, and within those guidelines, he gives us freedom. We needn't think we must have all the details of God's plan for us before we choose a mate. Much will be revealed afterward. That's why the first condition is that the spouse be a Christian. It's not most important that the spouse knows who he or she is. It's most important that he or she knows who Christ is. Beyond that, we trust in the Holy Spirit in our spouse, God's providence to work all things together for our good, and we try to make wise choices.
That's what I think anyway. Do you guys have anything to add to that?